I Quit!

Uggggg! This is one of those weeks where I ask myself, what's the point? I'm exericisng, watching what I eat and I'm gaining weight. WHAT?! I'm on the verge of quitting, but the stubborn side of me won't do it. It's frustrating to me that something as trivial as my weight can get to me. Maybe that's the real lesson here. It would be easier if I didn't know it could be done. I've lost 70lbs. before so I know I can lose weight. I don't know, I'm venting today and I'm sure in an hour I'll be at it again, but right now...I quit.

Trading Pride for Gluttony? No Thanks

I'm a little frustrated. I've been walking four times a week, martial arts four times a week, and trying to eat a better selection of food for a month now....And I'm stuck. This is where I quit and give into the food. This is where I resign myself to the weight. "It's not that bad being a little heavy. I'm not really that heavy anyway. Who wants to try to be so disciplined all the time, it's not good to be so strict and structured." While there is some truth to these comments, I cannot swallow them as easily as I could those chocolate chips that are calling to me from the fridge. They are excuses for me to give up and not press on towards my goal. I was listening to Mark Driscoll this morning, on the treadmill, and he spoke on the heart. Many times we try to change undesirable behavior with behavior modification, he called it. The problem with this approach, he observed, is that you don't ever really make the change that is necessary. You must examine the heart to get to the "heart of the matter" so to speak. So, as I chatted with my hubby after the walk I confessed...I don't want to lose weight! I have been at my near goal before, and I realize that all I did was trade gluttony for pride. Pride is my achilles heel of sins. I can fight gluttony better than I can fight pride. I would rather wrestle with food than myself. So what do I do? I've looked into my heart and I DO NOT LIKE what I have found there. Now what?

It Just Happens

It's frustrating to watch TV and listen to the ads about weight loss that claim, "It just happens!" regarding weight loss. It doesn't just happen. If it did, we would all do it. We would all get on the program that helps weight loss just happen. As I've climbed back on the wagon of weight loss I find I have to change the way I think about food. I have to change the way I think about physical activity. I have to change the way I think about myself. As I am doing all of these things, the weight loss is happening. I am doing quite a bit of work, and it is happening, slowly. I've lost weight fast, only to gain it back again. I've lost weight slowly, without exercise, only to find I still possessed quite a bit of fat and little muscle mass. You can lose weight and sometimes you can do it fast, but what is the quality of your body once you are done? I'm not sure why I went on that rampage, but I'm done now. I'm still a foodaholic, but I'm working on nearly 1 month of food sobriety. I have not used food to medicate myself. I have not used food to fill an empty place in my heart. It has been a good month. I feel healthy even though I'm only 4lbs. lighter.

Weigh In

Today was weigh in and....I've lost two more pounds. YEA!!!! That brings the grand total to 4lbs. It's the first time in a long time that I've lost weight on a continuous basis. That gives me the motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.

I Need Him

My wonderful husband asked me last night, "Do you want me to help you get out of bed tomorrow morning?" What a neat guy. I'm trying to be committed to the treadmill in the mornings. He's supporting me by making sure the alarm goes off (he usually smacks it off as soon as it sounds, I take a couple of minutes of noise before I wake up), he starts breakfast, and whispers encouragement into my ear before I leave the bed. I joked that I wouldn't want to get out of bed, he smiled. So when the alarm went off, rather loudly, I knew it was evidence of my husband's support and got out of bed. How can I not? It would be like spitting in his face, I even left a little excited to get onto the treadmill. Even now, as I am recounting the morning, I realize why I have been failing in my attempt at weight loss for the past 6 months. I've been trying to do it alone. The key to my weight loss before was my husband's support. I had been refusing his help until now. "I can do it on my own." "I should do it on my own." "I should be strong enough to do it alone." How silly I must sound to him sometimes, although he would never say so. I need his support. I need his support in everything I do. I think that is why God created us to need each other, to keep us humble and to keep us connected. I've done treadmill time consistently for the past two weeks and I've kept my Tang Soo dates, with the help of my wonderfully supportive man.
AND I'm still a Foodaholic

Weigh In Day

Today was weigh in day. Down 2 lbs...yes. It was easy to think...THAT'S IT! But I caught myself, and gave myself a pat on the back. I'm beginning to understand that losing 70 lbs. was a lot easier than losing these 2 lbs. Yes, I lost 70 lbs. the first time. I gained 30 of it back, which might be enough to make me quit before I begin, but I tell myself "At least you stopped gaining at 30 and didn't go for the whole 70. I have a feeling this 30 lbs. may be a bit of a challenge, but after looking at the first 2lbs, I'm starting to believe that I can lose it. At least, that's how I feel today.

Still a Foodaholic

I'm still here and I'm still a foodaholic. The family went away this weekend and I was sure I'd fall off the wagon. I did have some leftover icecream, but other than that I didn't spend the whole time eating. It was a good feeling to just sit and relax and not feel guilty, and not feel compelled to eat everything in the house.