Tough Night

Last night I sat on the couch with my husband and tried to blame him for my struggle with weight gain. Almost instantly, I knew I was wrong. I let him know I knew I was wrong and began and stream of consciousness that I didn't know was inside of me. I have gained and lost weight more than a dozen times. I've tried most of the diets I can think of that were sensible. I have to admit, I don't want to try to lose weight again. I don't want to try because I know I'll lose it and I know I'll gain it back. I have been at my goal weight and I still wasn't happy. I still wanted to lose 10 more pounds. I don't feel the need to lose weight to feel more attractive to my husband, I know he loves me regardless of my body. I don't want to lose weight to be more popular, I know people see beyond any weight I have and into the person I truly am. Honestly, I don't feel the need to lose weight. And yet, I still want to. It's frustrating. So, if I'm going to keep trying to lose weight I need to figure out how I'm going to keep it off. I need to figure out what this cycle is and how to stop it.