It Just Happens

It's frustrating to watch TV and listen to the ads about weight loss that claim, "It just happens!" regarding weight loss. It doesn't just happen. If it did, we would all do it. We would all get on the program that helps weight loss just happen. As I've climbed back on the wagon of weight loss I find I have to change the way I think about food. I have to change the way I think about physical activity. I have to change the way I think about myself. As I am doing all of these things, the weight loss is happening. I am doing quite a bit of work, and it is happening, slowly. I've lost weight fast, only to gain it back again. I've lost weight slowly, without exercise, only to find I still possessed quite a bit of fat and little muscle mass. You can lose weight and sometimes you can do it fast, but what is the quality of your body once you are done? I'm not sure why I went on that rampage, but I'm done now. I'm still a foodaholic, but I'm working on nearly 1 month of food sobriety. I have not used food to medicate myself. I have not used food to fill an empty place in my heart. It has been a good month. I feel healthy even though I'm only 4lbs. lighter.

Weigh In

Today was weigh in and....I've lost two more pounds. YEA!!!! That brings the grand total to 4lbs. It's the first time in a long time that I've lost weight on a continuous basis. That gives me the motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.

I Need Him

My wonderful husband asked me last night, "Do you want me to help you get out of bed tomorrow morning?" What a neat guy. I'm trying to be committed to the treadmill in the mornings. He's supporting me by making sure the alarm goes off (he usually smacks it off as soon as it sounds, I take a couple of minutes of noise before I wake up), he starts breakfast, and whispers encouragement into my ear before I leave the bed. I joked that I wouldn't want to get out of bed, he smiled. So when the alarm went off, rather loudly, I knew it was evidence of my husband's support and got out of bed. How can I not? It would be like spitting in his face, I even left a little excited to get onto the treadmill. Even now, as I am recounting the morning, I realize why I have been failing in my attempt at weight loss for the past 6 months. I've been trying to do it alone. The key to my weight loss before was my husband's support. I had been refusing his help until now. "I can do it on my own." "I should do it on my own." "I should be strong enough to do it alone." How silly I must sound to him sometimes, although he would never say so. I need his support. I need his support in everything I do. I think that is why God created us to need each other, to keep us humble and to keep us connected. I've done treadmill time consistently for the past two weeks and I've kept my Tang Soo dates, with the help of my wonderfully supportive man.
AND I'm still a Foodaholic

Weigh In Day

Today was weigh in day. Down 2 lbs...yes. It was easy to think...THAT'S IT! But I caught myself, and gave myself a pat on the back. I'm beginning to understand that losing 70 lbs. was a lot easier than losing these 2 lbs. Yes, I lost 70 lbs. the first time. I gained 30 of it back, which might be enough to make me quit before I begin, but I tell myself "At least you stopped gaining at 30 and didn't go for the whole 70. I have a feeling this 30 lbs. may be a bit of a challenge, but after looking at the first 2lbs, I'm starting to believe that I can lose it. At least, that's how I feel today.

Still a Foodaholic

I'm still here and I'm still a foodaholic. The family went away this weekend and I was sure I'd fall off the wagon. I did have some leftover icecream, but other than that I didn't spend the whole time eating. It was a good feeling to just sit and relax and not feel guilty, and not feel compelled to eat everything in the house.

Tang Soo Day Off but Not Walking

No profoundness. No insight. Just doing today what I did yesterday. Although I have to admit, it wasn't as difficult to get out of bed this morning as I had anticipated. THAT, was a very nice feeling. But I am very sore today and looking forward to punches, kicks, blocks, and forms after a day off.

Best French Fries & Dessert EVER!

Day two of my treadmilling and Tang Sooing and I am sore! It's a livable sore, but the kind of sore that reminds you how out of shape you really are. I'm glad I've done it and actually look forward to the walk tomorrow. Although, tomorrow morning I will still have to talk myself into getting out of bed. It always surprises me how much I have to work to get myself out of bed to exercise. I hate it when I'm in it, but as soon as the treadmill fires up I'm glad I'm doing it. I did get to eat the best french fries and dessert ever today, though. They were nothing special. Chick-fil-A fries and ambrosia was the duo, but there were no feelings of guilt. No promises that tomorrow I'll start eating better. No regrets. I love it. But come 7:30a I'll be fighting to get out of bed. What can I say?

Skinny Day

I've got an extra 30 pounds on me and today I felt skinny for the first time in my life. It was a good feeling. I didn't think about eating. I didn't wonder in between meals what I would eat next. I actually got hungry. I only ate what I needed and then I stopped. I'm learning something about myself today that I didn't realize. I'm happiest when I'm productive.

Today I dragged my lazy self out of bed and got on the treadmill. It was only 20 minutes, but it was 20 minutes I didn't do yesterday, or the day before. It energized me and motivated me to start cleaning out some computer files and organize the vast collection of CD's I've been putting off for months. We came up with ideas to keep heat out of our front room and entryway. That took quite a bit of time. The day ended with a trip to Tang Soo for blocks, punches, and forms.

I felt skinny today. I've decided that maybe I'm confusing skinny for productive. The feeling I've been having lately is laziness and contempt for the complacency I've demonstrated. The rest will go on the Feral Christianity Blog. It's nice to finally head to bed feeling full. Full of life, full of contentment, full of peace. The exercising didn't do it, the discipline did.

Step Two

Now for Step Two of How to Tell You are a Foodaholic.
I've once again consulted eHow for help. I've used the How To Tell If Someone Is An Alcoholic and inserted food where applicable.
Symptoms of Food Dependence in those who eat publicly:
• Excessive use: food is consumed in larger amounts and over a longer period
Isn't this the goal of eating? I always grew up thinking the more I could eat the better I would feel.
• Repeated, unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control food consumption
That is the whole point of this blog. To finally be done with these unsuccessful efforts. I want to be successful already.
• Excessive time spent in situations where food is prevalent
Okay it's absolutely impossible to avoid food. BBQ's, birthday parties, every day life and the neccessity to sustain life.
• The need for increasing amounts of food in order to feel its effects.
I don't increase the amounts, but I do use different foods for different occasions. Pain and hurt, icecream is the best. Stress? Easy a glass of wine. Happy, let's see....sushi fits best. Not feeling anything in particular....popcorn and diet coke.

I think the most frustrating thing about being a foodaholic is that no one can tell you to stop eating. You have to eat to live. With alcoholism, you walk away from alcohol. It isn't easy, but you donm't need it to live. You can survive without it. Drugs, same thing. You don't need drugs to survive. You can live without them. Sure it may not feel like you can live without those things at first, but eventually you learn how to. Not so with food. You have to continue eating to survive. So, no one can easily tell you "hey stay away from food, you're not supposed to eat food". How does someone tell you, "Hey, don't you think you've had enough?" I wish it were that easy. Food requires balance and discipline. Food requires an understaning of what you need and what you want. I've never been good at dicphering between the two. I need icecream...no I need to be aleviated from my hurt and pain. I want the icecream to do that for me. When I say it that way, it sounds incredibly studpid, but isn't that what I am in essence saying? I started this blog thinking it was about the weight, but as I am continuing in this journey I realize, the weight is just the symptom of a problem I've had for a long time. So, again I say, I'm Angie and I'm a foodaholic. This is my rock bottom, I ask food to cure the problems life contains, I realize this is stupid.

Blahhhhhhhhh!

Okay I'm back. I kicked myself for about 20 minutes yesterday. I'm really hard on people. I'm harder on myself. I judge myself based on my physical appearance, I judge others based on their character. I've been quite affected by people who exhibit poor character, both positively and negatively. It might be a justification, I'm not sure. That's a topic for Feral Christianity.
Subject change! Today I'm contemplating my choice to lose weight. Just the attempt to cut out junk food has me cranky and irritable. Food is such a big part of my comfort process. I'm upset, I eat. I'm happy, I eat. I'm sad, I eat. I suppose it wouldn't be an issue if I ate carrots, apples, celery, broccoli or grapes, but I go for the Fritos, cookies, chocolate, and ice cream. Not to mention it's difficult to get in the mood to exercise when it's like stepping into a mouth when stepping outside. I'm not a hot weather person and this heat has me feeling lazier than an otter at the aquarium in Monterrey.
AND why does it seem that my physical struggles always seem to mirror my spiritual struggles? I'm sure I'm the only one with problem. I've got so much to rummage through it's overwhelming. I'm signing off again to ponder these issues I keep exposing.

Signs You're Becoming a Foodaholic

Here's the proof I am a foodaholic, like I really had any doubts.
Again, eHow gives you "Signs You're Becoming an Alcoholic". For the sake of our experiment, I'll insert food anytime alcohol is used.
Eating alone or secretly - check
Hiding food - check
Missing work - does it count if you told your kids they could play another 30 minutes of x-box so you can finish the bowl of ice cream you're hiding with in your room? - check
Eating ritually - hmmmm....I've just eaten dinner, I'm full and yet I know that every night we have popcorn. I'm not really hungry but I'm going to eat it anyway. - Check
Increasing food tolerance - I can usually only eat three rolls of sushi, but I'm looking forward to the day that I can eat four nevermind how uncomfortable I feel - check
Food Withdrawal - check, check, and check

I didn't need eHow to tell me this. I already knew I had a problem. Even now, I'm justifying myself mentally. "I've cut back on my eating" "I've started exercising more" I've starting eating more fruits and veggies" "I'm not as bad as others" "In most countries I'm considered healthy". I could go on and on, but those of you who are out there probably already know where I'm going with this. More excuses to get me off the hook. And yet, I know that's all they really are...EXCUSES. It's bad when you look at old pictures and the first thing you remember is how fat you felt or how skinny you felt that day.
I judge myself by how I look. It must have something to do with how I judge others based on their looks. Ouch....that's going to sting for a while. I'll come back when I've allowed that one to sit a little longer.