First Weigh In

I've stopped getting on the scale. I had become obsessed with it. The fact that I gained 30 lbs. in a year made me non clinically compulsive about the scale. So I decided to stop torturing myself and stay off the scale for a week. I've been eating well and incorporating some cardio into my day. It's amazing how much better I feel with a tad of medication. I'm not tired all the time, I don't fell blah! So yesterday was weigh in day. AND I've lost weight. I wasn't stressing over it, I wasn't obsessing over it, and it finally happened. I'm optimistic for the first time in years. It feels good. I'll be looking forward to next week.

It Wasn't My Fault

I'm laughing....seriously. I'm laughing. I've been on a weight loss journey this year, and it has felt like all I've accomplished is getting into the car. I've gotten nowhere on my journey. If you've been following this blog, you know I've been completely frustrated. I've nearly given up. Well, I'm not the kind of gal to blame weight gain on anything, other than birth control pills. Don't even get me started on those things. So, I've been willing to accept the fact that I've gained 30 plus pounds and I have only myself to blame. Apparently it's not normal to gain that much weight in a year, given my lifestyle. I do martial arts training with a class 4 times a week. I train at home as well. This includes jump rope, jumping jacks, the occasional round of laps, kick, punches, sit ups, push ups and leg lifts. I watch my portions, I eat relatively healthy. I've always said I could do better. Well, turns out, it's not all my fault. I've got a bum thyroid. Yeah..who knew. And said bum thyroid is causing diabetes. Go figure. So not only am I gaining weight, I'm getting unhealthy in the process. Good news is, I'm on meds to help my bum thyroid get back to work and the theory is, once i get my thyroid back in shape, the diabetes will diminish. I have to laugh because every time I hear a commercial saying "It's not your fault that you're gaining weight" I usually yell at the radio....YES IT IS.... and apparently....the jokes on me.

I HATE MYSELF!

I kinda figured that might get your attention. I've been wrestling with my weight for 20 years. Does anyone else think that's a little crazy? Yeah, me too. But two weeks ago, the battle finally ended. I learned something about myself. I hate my body. Not for the reason you would imagine, but I did hate my body. It betrayed me. This won't make sense and if you really need it to make sense, ask me about it and I'll share the story with you. But it betrayed me and for 20 years I have been hating my body. Depriving it, overworking it, disregarding it, and just wishing it away. The realization has brought a renewed sense of courage. My husband, bless his wisdom and insight, pointed out to me that God created my body, and that He created it to work the way that it works. Long story incredibly short...I've forgiven my body and we are now friends again. It's amazing how much I have learned from it now that we are on speaking terms again.

So, I lost 50 pounds on the weight watchers program after my girl was born. I kept the weight off for five years. I've gained half of it back and have been able to hold at the current weight. We don't have the finances to do the whole process, but I still have the materials so I'll work the program. If you can do weight watchers it's a good program. The focus is on keeping track of what you eat and how much you eat. Portion control is a huge factor.

~ Track What You Are Consuming on a Daily Basis For a Week
I took a week to keep track of what I ate. I didn't change anything I ate during that week.
I wanted to find out how many points I was eating, since I am maintaining my weight with the current point consumption. This will be important once I reach my goal weight.

~ Take a Tally of What You Ate - Points, Calories, Fat Intake...etc.
Weight watchers uses a point system and so I referred to that. I also use this website. After the week was over, I sat down and totaled all of the point values that I consumed. The points usually were around 40 so I cut that back to 30. I'm smaller so this may be different for everyone. Do what you feel is necessary. If you don't do points, you can track whatever you usually track.

~ Eat the Points I Allotted for Myself
I found out that many days I'm not eating enough. I do martial arts four times a week and had also been walking everyday. I wasn't consuming enough food and my body began to collect food and store it. I stopped the walking and continued to eat the allotted points. I lost 3 pounds this week. I'm also saw my need to continually snack diminish. But it's important to to eat the allotted points.

I'm starting week 2 of this experiment. I'll keep you posted.

Coming To Terms

I have come to terms with my physique. I am a muscular gal and there is nothing to be done about it. So, as soon as I started exercising I began gaining muscle. I'm not losing weight at all, but I am developing muscle. I have muscle in places I didn't even know I had muscle. My legs will always be a bit bigger due to the muscle mass. My arms will develop muscle and will never be thin. So, I'm going to move forward with this knowledge and quit trying to get the body of a small framed person. I am not a small framed woman, I am a muscular framed woman. I'm okay with it now.
I have been exercising for the past two months and have made it a habit to walk for 20 minutes a day. I can now walk a mile in those 20 minutes. I can walk uphill for 12 of those minutes. I'd like to be able to walk the whole 20 minutes uphill and I believe I will reach that goal in two months. After that I'd like to increase my speed. I also do martial arts 4 times a week for an hour each day. I'd like to be able to jump rope for 5 minutes without stopping, right now I can do 1 minute. I'd like to be able to 100 push-ups. Right now I can do 15. I'd like to be able to do 100 crunches and leg lifts. Right now I can do 20 each. These goals may seem random, but as I approach my black belt status I will need to be able to do these things every day as a requirement. I'll get physically pushed to my limits during my black belt test and would like to be able to go through my test without passing out. I will keep on working towards these goals and let you know how I am progressing.
My pastor reminded me of something, you must change your habits in order to maintain your progress (I'm paraphrasing). I lost 70 lbs, and have gained some of it back. But I never really changed my exercising. I changed my eating, but not my physical exertion. I have now and my body is responding. I may not get to my goal weight with all this muscle, but I will get to my black belt test and not die.

Now That I'm Sane Again

Hi. My name is Angie & I'm a foodaholic. Now that I'm sane again i'm ready to get back up and keep moving on. I'm 34, I can do 1 hour of intense martial arts workouts, on top of 20 minutes of uphill walking, and I feel strong even though I may not feel skinny>

I Quit!

Uggggg! This is one of those weeks where I ask myself, what's the point? I'm exericisng, watching what I eat and I'm gaining weight. WHAT?! I'm on the verge of quitting, but the stubborn side of me won't do it. It's frustrating to me that something as trivial as my weight can get to me. Maybe that's the real lesson here. It would be easier if I didn't know it could be done. I've lost 70lbs. before so I know I can lose weight. I don't know, I'm venting today and I'm sure in an hour I'll be at it again, but right now...I quit.

Trading Pride for Gluttony? No Thanks

I'm a little frustrated. I've been walking four times a week, martial arts four times a week, and trying to eat a better selection of food for a month now....And I'm stuck. This is where I quit and give into the food. This is where I resign myself to the weight. "It's not that bad being a little heavy. I'm not really that heavy anyway. Who wants to try to be so disciplined all the time, it's not good to be so strict and structured." While there is some truth to these comments, I cannot swallow them as easily as I could those chocolate chips that are calling to me from the fridge. They are excuses for me to give up and not press on towards my goal. I was listening to Mark Driscoll this morning, on the treadmill, and he spoke on the heart. Many times we try to change undesirable behavior with behavior modification, he called it. The problem with this approach, he observed, is that you don't ever really make the change that is necessary. You must examine the heart to get to the "heart of the matter" so to speak. So, as I chatted with my hubby after the walk I confessed...I don't want to lose weight! I have been at my near goal before, and I realize that all I did was trade gluttony for pride. Pride is my achilles heel of sins. I can fight gluttony better than I can fight pride. I would rather wrestle with food than myself. So what do I do? I've looked into my heart and I DO NOT LIKE what I have found there. Now what?

It Just Happens

It's frustrating to watch TV and listen to the ads about weight loss that claim, "It just happens!" regarding weight loss. It doesn't just happen. If it did, we would all do it. We would all get on the program that helps weight loss just happen. As I've climbed back on the wagon of weight loss I find I have to change the way I think about food. I have to change the way I think about physical activity. I have to change the way I think about myself. As I am doing all of these things, the weight loss is happening. I am doing quite a bit of work, and it is happening, slowly. I've lost weight fast, only to gain it back again. I've lost weight slowly, without exercise, only to find I still possessed quite a bit of fat and little muscle mass. You can lose weight and sometimes you can do it fast, but what is the quality of your body once you are done? I'm not sure why I went on that rampage, but I'm done now. I'm still a foodaholic, but I'm working on nearly 1 month of food sobriety. I have not used food to medicate myself. I have not used food to fill an empty place in my heart. It has been a good month. I feel healthy even though I'm only 4lbs. lighter.

Weigh In

Today was weigh in and....I've lost two more pounds. YEA!!!! That brings the grand total to 4lbs. It's the first time in a long time that I've lost weight on a continuous basis. That gives me the motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.

I Need Him

My wonderful husband asked me last night, "Do you want me to help you get out of bed tomorrow morning?" What a neat guy. I'm trying to be committed to the treadmill in the mornings. He's supporting me by making sure the alarm goes off (he usually smacks it off as soon as it sounds, I take a couple of minutes of noise before I wake up), he starts breakfast, and whispers encouragement into my ear before I leave the bed. I joked that I wouldn't want to get out of bed, he smiled. So when the alarm went off, rather loudly, I knew it was evidence of my husband's support and got out of bed. How can I not? It would be like spitting in his face, I even left a little excited to get onto the treadmill. Even now, as I am recounting the morning, I realize why I have been failing in my attempt at weight loss for the past 6 months. I've been trying to do it alone. The key to my weight loss before was my husband's support. I had been refusing his help until now. "I can do it on my own." "I should do it on my own." "I should be strong enough to do it alone." How silly I must sound to him sometimes, although he would never say so. I need his support. I need his support in everything I do. I think that is why God created us to need each other, to keep us humble and to keep us connected. I've done treadmill time consistently for the past two weeks and I've kept my Tang Soo dates, with the help of my wonderfully supportive man.
AND I'm still a Foodaholic

Weigh In Day

Today was weigh in day. Down 2 lbs...yes. It was easy to think...THAT'S IT! But I caught myself, and gave myself a pat on the back. I'm beginning to understand that losing 70 lbs. was a lot easier than losing these 2 lbs. Yes, I lost 70 lbs. the first time. I gained 30 of it back, which might be enough to make me quit before I begin, but I tell myself "At least you stopped gaining at 30 and didn't go for the whole 70. I have a feeling this 30 lbs. may be a bit of a challenge, but after looking at the first 2lbs, I'm starting to believe that I can lose it. At least, that's how I feel today.

Still a Foodaholic

I'm still here and I'm still a foodaholic. The family went away this weekend and I was sure I'd fall off the wagon. I did have some leftover icecream, but other than that I didn't spend the whole time eating. It was a good feeling to just sit and relax and not feel guilty, and not feel compelled to eat everything in the house.

Tang Soo Day Off but Not Walking

No profoundness. No insight. Just doing today what I did yesterday. Although I have to admit, it wasn't as difficult to get out of bed this morning as I had anticipated. THAT, was a very nice feeling. But I am very sore today and looking forward to punches, kicks, blocks, and forms after a day off.

Best French Fries & Dessert EVER!

Day two of my treadmilling and Tang Sooing and I am sore! It's a livable sore, but the kind of sore that reminds you how out of shape you really are. I'm glad I've done it and actually look forward to the walk tomorrow. Although, tomorrow morning I will still have to talk myself into getting out of bed. It always surprises me how much I have to work to get myself out of bed to exercise. I hate it when I'm in it, but as soon as the treadmill fires up I'm glad I'm doing it. I did get to eat the best french fries and dessert ever today, though. They were nothing special. Chick-fil-A fries and ambrosia was the duo, but there were no feelings of guilt. No promises that tomorrow I'll start eating better. No regrets. I love it. But come 7:30a I'll be fighting to get out of bed. What can I say?

Skinny Day

I've got an extra 30 pounds on me and today I felt skinny for the first time in my life. It was a good feeling. I didn't think about eating. I didn't wonder in between meals what I would eat next. I actually got hungry. I only ate what I needed and then I stopped. I'm learning something about myself today that I didn't realize. I'm happiest when I'm productive.

Today I dragged my lazy self out of bed and got on the treadmill. It was only 20 minutes, but it was 20 minutes I didn't do yesterday, or the day before. It energized me and motivated me to start cleaning out some computer files and organize the vast collection of CD's I've been putting off for months. We came up with ideas to keep heat out of our front room and entryway. That took quite a bit of time. The day ended with a trip to Tang Soo for blocks, punches, and forms.

I felt skinny today. I've decided that maybe I'm confusing skinny for productive. The feeling I've been having lately is laziness and contempt for the complacency I've demonstrated. The rest will go on the Feral Christianity Blog. It's nice to finally head to bed feeling full. Full of life, full of contentment, full of peace. The exercising didn't do it, the discipline did.

Step Two

Now for Step Two of How to Tell You are a Foodaholic.
I've once again consulted eHow for help. I've used the How To Tell If Someone Is An Alcoholic and inserted food where applicable.
Symptoms of Food Dependence in those who eat publicly:
• Excessive use: food is consumed in larger amounts and over a longer period
Isn't this the goal of eating? I always grew up thinking the more I could eat the better I would feel.
• Repeated, unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control food consumption
That is the whole point of this blog. To finally be done with these unsuccessful efforts. I want to be successful already.
• Excessive time spent in situations where food is prevalent
Okay it's absolutely impossible to avoid food. BBQ's, birthday parties, every day life and the neccessity to sustain life.
• The need for increasing amounts of food in order to feel its effects.
I don't increase the amounts, but I do use different foods for different occasions. Pain and hurt, icecream is the best. Stress? Easy a glass of wine. Happy, let's see....sushi fits best. Not feeling anything in particular....popcorn and diet coke.

I think the most frustrating thing about being a foodaholic is that no one can tell you to stop eating. You have to eat to live. With alcoholism, you walk away from alcohol. It isn't easy, but you donm't need it to live. You can survive without it. Drugs, same thing. You don't need drugs to survive. You can live without them. Sure it may not feel like you can live without those things at first, but eventually you learn how to. Not so with food. You have to continue eating to survive. So, no one can easily tell you "hey stay away from food, you're not supposed to eat food". How does someone tell you, "Hey, don't you think you've had enough?" I wish it were that easy. Food requires balance and discipline. Food requires an understaning of what you need and what you want. I've never been good at dicphering between the two. I need icecream...no I need to be aleviated from my hurt and pain. I want the icecream to do that for me. When I say it that way, it sounds incredibly studpid, but isn't that what I am in essence saying? I started this blog thinking it was about the weight, but as I am continuing in this journey I realize, the weight is just the symptom of a problem I've had for a long time. So, again I say, I'm Angie and I'm a foodaholic. This is my rock bottom, I ask food to cure the problems life contains, I realize this is stupid.

Blahhhhhhhhh!

Okay I'm back. I kicked myself for about 20 minutes yesterday. I'm really hard on people. I'm harder on myself. I judge myself based on my physical appearance, I judge others based on their character. I've been quite affected by people who exhibit poor character, both positively and negatively. It might be a justification, I'm not sure. That's a topic for Feral Christianity.
Subject change! Today I'm contemplating my choice to lose weight. Just the attempt to cut out junk food has me cranky and irritable. Food is such a big part of my comfort process. I'm upset, I eat. I'm happy, I eat. I'm sad, I eat. I suppose it wouldn't be an issue if I ate carrots, apples, celery, broccoli or grapes, but I go for the Fritos, cookies, chocolate, and ice cream. Not to mention it's difficult to get in the mood to exercise when it's like stepping into a mouth when stepping outside. I'm not a hot weather person and this heat has me feeling lazier than an otter at the aquarium in Monterrey.
AND why does it seem that my physical struggles always seem to mirror my spiritual struggles? I'm sure I'm the only one with problem. I've got so much to rummage through it's overwhelming. I'm signing off again to ponder these issues I keep exposing.

Signs You're Becoming a Foodaholic

Here's the proof I am a foodaholic, like I really had any doubts.
Again, eHow gives you "Signs You're Becoming an Alcoholic". For the sake of our experiment, I'll insert food anytime alcohol is used.
Eating alone or secretly - check
Hiding food - check
Missing work - does it count if you told your kids they could play another 30 minutes of x-box so you can finish the bowl of ice cream you're hiding with in your room? - check
Eating ritually - hmmmm....I've just eaten dinner, I'm full and yet I know that every night we have popcorn. I'm not really hungry but I'm going to eat it anyway. - Check
Increasing food tolerance - I can usually only eat three rolls of sushi, but I'm looking forward to the day that I can eat four nevermind how uncomfortable I feel - check
Food Withdrawal - check, check, and check

I didn't need eHow to tell me this. I already knew I had a problem. Even now, I'm justifying myself mentally. "I've cut back on my eating" "I've started exercising more" I've starting eating more fruits and veggies" "I'm not as bad as others" "In most countries I'm considered healthy". I could go on and on, but those of you who are out there probably already know where I'm going with this. More excuses to get me off the hook. And yet, I know that's all they really are...EXCUSES. It's bad when you look at old pictures and the first thing you remember is how fat you felt or how skinny you felt that day.
I judge myself by how I look. It must have something to do with how I judge others based on their looks. Ouch....that's going to sting for a while. I'll come back when I've allowed that one to sit a little longer.

The First Sign You Have a Problem

eHow states that the first step in identifying someone who is an alcoholic is this:
• Neglect of social activities
• Lack of interest in sports and other recreational activities
• Impaired performance at school or on the job
• Exhibiting hang-over symptoms such as constant headaches and dry mouth
• Nausea
• Excessive Sweating
• Shakiness
• Anxiety
• Deteriorating relationships with friends and family

I'm approaching this food issue as one who has abdicated her control and power. I have given my control and power over to food. It's so stupid, but it's true. Food occupies my every thought. Let's look at this first step. I neglect social activities i.e. swimming with the kids or anyone for that matter. I hate being in a bathing suit right now. It's only one, but it's a social activity. I can't say that I'm not interested in sports, but I do believe that I would perform better if food wasn't such an issue. As for the impaired performance on the job, I'm not going to give that one any credence. Hang over symptoms...I do swear occasionally that I will never eat that much again. Nausea, sweating, no, no. Shakiness, yes when I go too long without food, but I think everyone gets that symptom. Anxiety.....OH YEAH! What am I going to eat today? How much will I gain as a result? I shouldn't have this, but I'm so tired of depriving myself...awww forget it, I'm done dieting. Insert food into mouth. Uggg. Deteriorating relationships, not yet. So I don't have all the classic symptoms of the first step, but you have to admit, I've got some of them. What does that mean?

Tough Night

Last night I sat on the couch with my husband and tried to blame him for my struggle with weight gain. Almost instantly, I knew I was wrong. I let him know I knew I was wrong and began and stream of consciousness that I didn't know was inside of me. I have gained and lost weight more than a dozen times. I've tried most of the diets I can think of that were sensible. I have to admit, I don't want to try to lose weight again. I don't want to try because I know I'll lose it and I know I'll gain it back. I have been at my goal weight and I still wasn't happy. I still wanted to lose 10 more pounds. I don't feel the need to lose weight to feel more attractive to my husband, I know he loves me regardless of my body. I don't want to lose weight to be more popular, I know people see beyond any weight I have and into the person I truly am. Honestly, I don't feel the need to lose weight. And yet, I still want to. It's frustrating. So, if I'm going to keep trying to lose weight I need to figure out how I'm going to keep it off. I need to figure out what this cycle is and how to stop it.

My name is Angie and I love food.

I just read a post by my pastor and I'm finally inspired to do the unthinkable...blog about my weight loss journey.
I must first begin by saying, my name is Angie and I love food. I hope to find an answer to the life long struggle I have had with weight and food and maybe help someone who's going through the same types of struggles.